I do apologize for not appearing here or writing lately.  What can I say?

I do not want to continually write about the challenges, fears, side effects, negative or rollercoaster emotions that I seem to be battling with.

My latest appointment with doc sums it up pretty clearly for me and anyone else who was under the impression that this is just a little bump in the road.  You have cancer.  Even if we beat this round, you will always have cancer, you will always be monitored for cancer, and this may be only the first battle. You will be on medication the rest of your life and must change your lifestyle to accomodate the organ we have removed. It is life changing and I suggest you start to accept that.  Things will never be the same nor will you likely ever feel the same as you did before all of this happened.

So - ultimately, you must suck it up.  What other choice is there?  There is no fooling yourself here. There is no escape from it. It isn't a bad dream that you hope to wake up from (it has been too long now for me to continue to hope for that) and it isn't something you can just ignore, although, I have been doing pretty well at that up till now.  It is the only way I can still function.   Ignore it.

Having said all that, and for this brief moment, I realize and know that this is life changing.  It has changed everything and it has and will continue to change me.

I don't feel like me anymore and sometimes when I read my first posts and posts that I wrote before the diagnosis, I feel like I don't even know who that person was.  Someone wrapped up in minor worries, little details and analyzing everything.  Based on that, I can't see myself ever being that person again, even if I wanted to.

But, I am starting to ramble here.  As this seems to be a metamorphisis and as this is one of very very few outlets I have to voice my fears, emotions, worries, anger - I think I should start a new blog.  A blog which can back track a little to bring everyone up to speed and then become my journal through this experience.

I will try to make it as honest as possible (although that may scare some), but possibly it may help someone else who is dealing with cancer and if nothing else, it may help me.  I will be able to say here what I cannot say to my parents (for fear of upsetting them), to my children (for fear of scaring them), to my partner (for fear of getting over-emotional and falling apart) or even my siblings. 

So, I am taking votes for the new blog idea - yes or no.

Name suggestions might be a good idea too as I am a little brain dead lately.

Thanks all.

Before I get to the reason for the title - let me just back up a bit.

The 45 life lessons blog (in which many people participated by choosing their favorite - thank-you :), did not include my favorite ones and I thought, only fair that I should mention mine. The unfair part though is, I cannot choose just one.

#1 - Life isn't fair but its good. - This is so true.

#4 - Your job won't take care of you, friends and parents will.  - Again, very true but I never knew it till now.

#8 - It's okay to be angry at God. He can take it. - Good! Because some days I am.

#37 - Your children only get one childhood.  - I love this one and it makes me so glad that I spent so much time and effort making sure my children had a good childhood with lots of great memories.  The later-on marriage break down wasn't the greatest and I know it was hard on them but they were older by then and hopefully understood and weren't too damaged by it.

There are a few more I could mention, but I have already cheated in choosing more than one.

Xmas & People Aware of Diagnosis

Sunday was my first gathering of relatives celebrating the season since D day (diagnosis day).  It was nice but kind of tough too.  I have handled most of this by ignoring it as much as possible and I don't talk about it much. Aside from the physical impact (tired, pale, less hair), only people who know me realize (outwardly) anything is up.  So, when someone at a gathering starts asking pointed questions about your treatment, your prognosis and your state of mind - its sort of a big fat reminder that I can't pretend I am ok.  So in a very quiet voice (so the rest of the 27 people in the room don't overhear) I try to answer very briefly.  I rather prefer the "yep, I am okay/feeling fine/ doing good" answers. Short and not inviting further questions and keeping it all very light and conversationally casual.
Question:  "So, who are you seeing?"
Me:  "Um, what do you mean?  The cancer specialist? Or the original surgeon?  I am seeing both.
Question:  "No, I mean for support. Do you have someone or a group you are going to, to have support through all of this?"
Me:  "Well, my family has been great and I was thinking of joining the Y."
Question:  "Hasn't your doctor or "M" suggested you go to a group or a counsellor?"
Me:  Um, no. But I am okay, really.
Question:  "Well, how are you handling it without the support of experienced help? Your family and "M" are great but they have no experience with this.
Me:  Well, I generally just try to ignore it as much as possible. I keep busy. I go to work every day.
Question:  "Why are you still working?  Do you think ignoring it is the way to deal with this?  You need to grieve."
Me:  I am still working because I have four children that depend on me, two of which are in university and still two to go. Besides, I can't just sit around and do nothing. Ignoring it works for me.  I think about now and then but it is too overwhelming.  I will grieve later.
Question: "Well, I think I should tell "M" to get you into some program.  I bet if I sat down and started talking about all of this with you, I would have you crying in ten minutes"
Me:  "Really, I am okay, don't worry"
------------------------------------omg, by now I am almost crying. Why should I cry? Will that make everyone else feel better about it? It won't make me feel better.  It won't change anything. It will just get me all upset, stressed and then I will bust out in hives and feel even worse.  I realize it is concern and it is all meant with the best of intentions but I was given all the brochures and info that lists the help if I want to contact them and use it, I will but I don't. I have done extensive reading on all of it and am fully aware of both the best case scenario and the worst. I have been succeeding with avoiding being depressed and want to keep it that way. When I am told that my future is definitely going to be the worst case scenario, if I lose more hair and it becomes extremely noticeable, when I feel like I can't handle it on my own - then I will worry about it.  Is my way of handling it wrong?  Sorry, I just wasn't prepared and I don't know how I am supposed to be handling it.  Would it be better if I just fell apart? Better for whom? Nope. Not me. I just can't let myself.
For the moment, I choose to ignore it as much as possible because I want to enjoy Christmas and seeing my family etc without the 'C' word being whispered or hovering around like a big doom and gloom cloud.

Hello you.  I am still me. Aside from the diagnosis, I am still me. You can still joke around and tease me and I will dish it right back, if only you would.  Why aren't you anymore?
(btw - "M" = Significant Other)

Anyway, most of the rest of the holidays I have decided to just run around a bit and visit family individually rather than the great big gatherings that we normally participate in. My family has mostly agreed to this and I think, given how awkward it can be, that it will be far more enjoyable and relaxing for me to do it this way.

I have an extra long Xmas holiday and then, god bless his soul, "M" is taking me on vacation end of January.

I am absolutely ecstatic about it and busily researching two alternative destinations.  Either Belize or St Lucia.

I would love to learn how to scuba dive. I already love snorkeling and I already know how to wakeboard, water ski, hobie cat etc altho it has been awhile but, as long as I feel okay, I should be able to learn how I think.
I think "M" is a little worried about my itinerary suggestions and that I may be overdoing it but - we'll cross that road when we get to it.

I am even more excited now about what I got "M" for Christmas. He is going to love it and it has been hard for me to resist giving him his gifts early.....but we are almost there now.
I will tell you all later what I got for him, just in case.

I am a little worried about my children getting together.  Couple of spats that only siblings seem to understand and hopefully it won't become an issue at Christmas.

So, the next couple of days will be full of cleaning and baking and last minute things but I am really looking forward to it.

Here's a very Big Merry Christmas to all of you and I hope you all have a Wonderful New Year!!